Marina Scobie
Dr. Warner
ENGL 112B
December 2, 2009
Wanting: A
Collection of Poems
Wanting
is a collection of free verse poems primarily narrated by fourteen-year-old Elizabeth.
This collection of poems is unique in that Elizabeth has been raised by her
father, as her mother is entirely out of the picture. As a young teenager, she
faces the typical challenges of growing up--family crises, puberty, etc.--but
without a mother, she possesses a sense of loss, made deeper by the revelation
that her mother chose to leave her. While this emptiness remains with Elizabeth
at all times, emerging within many of her poems, it is also subtle and nuanced.
Additionally, there are poems that are not concerned with her loss, but with
the ordinary experiences occurring in her life.
In
addition to Elizabeth�s poems, I have also written three concluding poems from
the standpoint of her mother. In creating these, I wanted to give the mother
more complexity. Although she appears selfish for abandoning her baby, these
poems offer insight into the anguish she experienced as a teenage mother.
In
crafting all of the poems, I aimed to capture the feeling of a journal. Several
of the poems by both Elizabeth and her mother are not titled, but set apart by
a specific date and time. These dated poems serve to establish a general
narrative, while the remainder of the poems offer moments of insight into
Elizabeth�s mind. In doing this, I wanted to create a stream of consciousness
that is punctuated by moments of deep thought and introspection, mirroring the
thought process of a teenager.
Additionally,
in creating this collection, I wanted to offer a voice for any teenagers living
in unconventional situations. Additionally, Elizabeth�s experience, while less
common, is not unheard of, as I have personally known a young woman who
experienced growing up knowing that her mother did not want to know her. Had
she found something like this collection, she might have benefited from seeing
that she was not alone.
1. April 15, 5:27 A.M.
The phone rang out loudly
Because Gram had called to
say Pop was sick.
�He�s coughing blood,� Dad
told me,
�But I�m sure he�ll be just
fine,�
�We come from strong stock,�
he said.
But I could see the
slithering red squiggles
In the whites of his eyes.
And when he rubbed the back
of his head
Where his skull meets his
neck,
I too could feel the stinging
ache
In the secret red depths of
my throat.
2. April 15, 6:45 A.M.
Dad drove us to the hospital.
His hands looked like they were
trying to strangle the wheel
His strong arms rigid and
unmoving.
And I wondered who was most
afraid,
Dad or Pop?
And I felt so bad and sad.
Sad for Pop
And bad for being just a
little bit happy to get out of school.
Inside the hospital,
Dad held my hand tight
When we saw Pop,
Tethered to a tangle of tubes
and wires that went
Beep, beep, beep.
Drip, drip, drip.
And I wondered who was most
afraid,
Me or Dad?
Gram put her arms around us
Pulling me in so tightly that
I nearly drowned in her smell,
So powdery sweet
That I didn�t want to let go.
And I wondered
Did Dad ever noticed this
When he was a boy?
Or does a mother�s smell go
unnoticed
By those who have one.
3. My Heart
Sometimes my heart
Feels like it�s going to
explode.
It beats so fast that
I imagine plunging my
fingertips
So deep inside
That I hit my skeleton.
I would pull
Rip even
Tear my bones away
To relieve the pressure
sitting on my chest.
I�ve never told anyone
They would think I was crazy.
4. Growing Up
Two years ago
I woke up
In a pool of blood.
At first I panicked,
I thought I was dying.
But calmed down
When I noticed
It seeped
From between my legs.
I was so mad
At myself.
I wasn�t ready.
5. April 19, 3:45 P.M.
They coddle me
Trying to create distance.
I heard them talking before
the service,
Saying it wouldn�t be good
for me to be there--
To keep me away.
But I wanted to say goodbye
Like everyone else.
So I hid myself
Between the curtains and the
world.
I pushed back against the
window glass
To draw its warmth through my
dress,
And force it into my blood--
And catch its secret deep
inside me
To hold it prisoner
In case I should need it.
Soon enough they forgot I was
in the room
And they finally felt
comfortable
Crying into the coffin.
6. Yellow Mercedes
Tammy�s mom drives a yellow
Mercedes
It�s old, I can tell
But the leather inside is
nice
And Tammy and I can push
The palms of our hands deep
into its grooves
Until they retain the bumps
and pocks
Of the seat.
Tammy�s mom drives us
everywhere
In that old Mercedes,
To bowling alleys
And Taco Bell,
To the movies
And the mall.
And when we get out
She makes sure to say goodbye
To both Tammy and I
But to Tammy she gives a hug
And says that she loves her
so much,
While I stand silently on the
curb
Dying to run away
From that old yellow
Mercedes.
7. June 13, 3:00 P.M.
Stepping down from the bus
I worry I�ll trip and fall
Get lost in the crowd
And forgotten
Beneath the steel.
But today I got off,
With Matt Fabian holding
My hand.
For now
I am
Safe.
8. June 14, 5:05 P.M.
Ninth grade
Is over
Has ended
Thank God.
Summer offers
Freedom in
Sunshine glow
Thank God.
9. Looking for Her
I look for my mother every
day
In the faces of random
strangers.
I don�t know what she looks
like,
Only having the yellowed
photos
Dad keeps in ratty envelopes
Tucked in the backs of
drawers
Throughout the house.
I like to think that I would
recognize
Her long auburn hair
And the round cheeks
That smiled long ago
But for now
I�ll never know.
10. Dad�s Girlfriend
Miriam tries
To act like a mom
But I think
She thinks
I am a project.
Playing with my hair
And showing me how to wear
Makeup.
Makeover
Make believe
Make shift
Mother.
11. To Eat
I cook
Dad cooks
Mom cooks.
I cook
Cold cereal
In red ceramic bowls.
Dad cooks
Ham and cheese
Wrapped neatly
In brown paper bags.
Mom cooks�
For her other
Kids
Family.
Dad and I cook
All kinds of
Deliciousness.
12. July 1, 12 P.M.
Dad teaches summer school
Because being a high school
History teacher
Doesn�t pay all of our bills.
But he�s come a long way
From a nineteen year old
Sleeping on Gram and Pop�s
couch
With a baby
In his childhood bedroom.
Yes, he has come a long way
After years of working all
day
And going to school all night,
So I wish that this year
He would ditch summer school
And take us away
To somewhere extraordinary
For just a little while.
13. January 4, 1993
The phone rang throughout the
house
On the line, my doctor
Calling to share
The �good� news
That I am going to be a
mother.
I hung up abruptly
Not knowing what to say
And when my mother asked
Who phoned
I lied.
When I called James
To share the news
That he is going to be a
father
He laughed.
�I hope it�s a boy,� he said
His smile audible, pulsating
And after I hung up
I sat down
And cried.
14. April 9, 1993
Seventeen.
Pregnant.
Whore.
Hopeless.
Drifter.
Dreamer.
Lover.
15. July 26, 1993
To Elizabeth:
I�m sorry that
You hurt me
So much that
It�s difficult
To look at you.
I�m sorry that
I don�t feel
It
When I look
Into your eyes.
I�m sorry that
Although you look
Somewhat like me
You remain a stranger.
I�m sorry that
I want more
Than this and
To continue living
My life.