Kaytlen
Swanson
Engl. 112B
Mary Warner
11/29/11
Unit of Study:
Poetry/New Media
A Retrospective of Bullies: The Holocaust,
Rwanda, and The Playground
Centerpiece: Maus
by Art Spiegelman
Why this
topic?
It
is an unfortunate truth in the modern world that far too many teens are victims
of bullying by their peers. By
studying extreme forms of bullying, e.g. the atrocities of genocide seen in the
Holocaust and the ethnic cleansing of Rwanda, young adults become endowed with
a sense of empathy towards those discriminated against and can extend that
empathy to their classmates. By
beginning with something so extreme to build empathy, it becomes much easier
for students to relate to the subject when it becomes more narrow and close to
home. Therefore, they are able to
use a large scale model of bullying in genocide and
apply it to the smaller scale of bullying in schools.
Why Maus?
Because
the characters of Maus are portrayed
as animals, rather than people, it lessens the graphic nature of the subject
matter by creating a fa�ade of whimsy while not being so childish as to
condescend and diminish the serious content of the narrative. Most students will also be able to
relate with the characters more easily as they are already given background on
the characteristics of those in the novel based on the animal portraying
them. As a graphic novel, Maus acts as a segue
for young adults between comics and literature and will therefore help them
engage in the narrative more readily and excite them about literature.
Launching
the Unit:
Before having
students begin reading Maus, I would
show them the 1981 short film, The Wave.
As this film is only about 40 minutes long, it would not be unreasonable
to show the entire thing and devote an entire class period to watching and
reflecting on it. In this movie, a
high school history teacher is having difficulty explaining the Holocaust to
his students in terms that they will understand. He therefore assumes the role of a
dictator and essentially creates a new Third Reich in his classroom.
While the
subject matter is a bit heavy, the terrible acting and fanciful 80s attire and hairstyles
give this film a hokey and lighthearted nature, making it a good way to ease
into the more difficult topic of genocide.
After showing the film in class, I would have my students reflect and
write on the following questions:
1. At the end of this film, how did you
feel to learn that it was a true story?
2. Do you think that Mr. Ross� experiment
was ultimately a good thing, or did he handle the situation poorly? If you think he was wrong in his actions,
what could he have done differently that would have been more effective?
3. Put yourself in the shoes of the
students in The Wave. Do you
honestly believe you would have behaved any differently from them or would you
also have gotten caught up in the movement?
4. Reflect on your answer from the previous
question. What does your response
suggest about yourself, and more importantly, about human nature?
After watching
and discussing the movie, I would then begin working with Maus in tandem with other poetry and short stories related to
bullying as a theme. Moving
chronologically through history I would begin with two poems about the
Holocaust, followed by two poems about Rwanda, and ending with a short story
about modern-day schoolyard bullying, told through the eyes of the bully.
�Death
Fugue (Todesfuge)� – Paul Celan
Black
milk of daybreak we drink it at evening
we drink it at midday and morning we drink it at night
we drink and we drink
we shovel a grave in the air there you won't lie too cramped
A man lives in the house he plays with his vipers he writes
he writes when it grows dark to Deutschland your golden hair Margareta
he writes it and steps out of doors and the stars are all sparkling, he
whistles his hounds to come close
he whistles his Jews into rows has them shovel a grave in the ground
he commands us to play up for the dance.
Black
milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at morning and midday we drink you at evening
we drink and we drink
A man lives in the house he plays with his vipers he writes
he writes when it grows dark to Deutschland your golden hair Margareta
Your ashen hair Shulamith we shovel a grave in the air there you won't lie too
cramped
He
shouts jab the earth deeper you lot there you others sing up and play
he grabs for the rod in his belt he swings it his eyes are so blue
jab your spades deeper you lot there you others play on for the dancing
Black milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at midday and morning we drink you at evening
we drink and we drink
a man lives in the house your goldenes Haar Margareta
your aschenes Haar Shulamith he plays his vipers
He shouts play death more sweetly this Death is a master from Deutschland
he shouts scrape your strings darker you'll rise then as smoke to the sky
you'll have a grave then in the clouds there you won't lie too cramped
Black milk of daybreak we drink you at night
we drink you at midday Death is a master aus Deutschland
we drink you at evening and morning we drink and we drink
this Death is ein Meister aus Deutschland his eye it is blue
he shoots you with shot made of lead shoots you level and true
a man lives in the house your goldenes Haar Margarete
he loses his hounds on us grants us a grave in the air
he plays with his vipers and daydreams der Tod ist ein Meister aus Deutschland
dein goldenes Haar Margarete
dein aschenes Haar Shulamith
1. Why does the poet choose to gradually integrate German
words into the poem until the final couplet, which is entirely in German?
2. What is the significance of the �black milk?�
3. What is significant about the female names �Margarete�
and �Shulamith� and the corresponding descriptions of �golden� versus �ashen�
hair?
�Otto
Pressburger, 18, at Birkenau, 1942� – William Heyen
We went to work to build roads—Kapos and SS men
supervised us. There was one Jew from our town,
tall and strong, from a rich family. The Kapo spotted
gold teeth and said give them to me.
The man answered he could not, but the Kapo again said
give them to me, but the man still said he could
not give up his gold teeth. The Kapo took
a shovel and hit him over the head until
the tall man fell down. The Kapo turned him over
and put the shovel at his throat and stood on it.
He broke the man�s neck and used the shovel to get
the teeth out of his mouth. Another Jew asked
how you could do this. The Kapo killed him the same way.
He warned us don�t ask questions, mind
your own business.
That evening we carried twelve bodies back to barracks.
He killed them just for fun. This happened the first day.
1.
What images in this poem are the
most striking to you?
2.
Why is the last phrase of the poem,
�this happened the first day,� significant? Why did the poet find it necessary to
give the reader this timeframe?
�Ten
pieces for Rwanda� - Herbert Woodward Martin
Rwanda
#1
This
woman's body is blistered with death.
Soon
her swollen arms will break her bonds;
The
heated water of her body will splay
The
ground where she lies and bless it.
Her
head lies five feet away from her body
Screaming
silence. The dust of revolution
Chokes
her mouth. Her eyes bleed sunlight.
Sweet
death is the harvest of this land.
This
woman is but one victim who ran
As
far as she could to escape the machete
Which
with one immaculate swing severed
Her body from its intangible soul.
Who
in this village, seeing such a sight,
Dare
speak, with a civilized tongue
Forbidding
the earth to welcome another
Living being into corruption?
Rwanda
#2
I
have eaten the geography of meridians and longitudes
There
is no north which will lead me to safety
To the place which gave birth to me.
The
crust of snow has been sifted with blood
A
white temperature locks my teeth
My
throat is the fastest luge ever!
Speed
melts the sizzling ice
Winners
are duly cheered.
There
is no generous way to arrive at success.
Rwanda
#3
I
have eaten the last of the evening's snow
A
white temperature locks my teeth
My
throat is a fast luge tunnel
The
ribbon that marks the winner
Is
lost in the celebration of my stomach.
There
is no match for the darkness there;
Snowlight
is a flood on space;
Speed
melts the sizzling ice.
Rwanda
#4
Four
black men swing in the dancing air
They are connected by an electrical thread
An
acrid smell tells me they are dead
Their
spirits sing of a time
That
was greenly sad and unfair
Theirs
is a song willed to the wind.
Who
can document their offense
Their human sin? Who among us
Can
sing of joy with our feet bound,
Our
hands tied behind our backs?
Rwanda
#5
The
trees look starved;
Their
leaves are gone.
The
youngest of the flowers
Lie
strewn and dead in the roads.
The
neighbors, who are left,
Take
staggering breaths and
Continue
to breath beneath
The dark burden of their eyelids.
There
are no bright solutions.
Only
the dark may be severed by lightening.
Its
energy surpasses the true explanations,
How
these times and angers knotted themselves
In
the back and in the neck
Growing
into incurable tumors.
The
bread I bake is made of blood and earth;
Its
taste is withered leaf and dry bark.
Rwanda
#6
John
Deere shovels bite into the ground
They
unearth huge trenches
They
lift large stacks of bodies
And
plant them side by side.
The
land is covered over,
Seeded
with new grass and trees.
No
one can repair the air.
This
is a place of rest.
No
one can repair the air.
The
rain baptizes; silt weds rock.
A
new balm is prescribed
For all the pains left behind.
Rwanda
#7: Instant Replay
With
easy malice one African severs another man's head.
The
ground sprouts bodies like rotting potatoes.
There
is no water here; the land is dry and begging.
The
eyes are astonished continents away.
The
heart trembles then stops; the machete has no blood
of its own. Where are
the rain and snow that cleanse?
A
body writhes in the dust; its head toils in the river.
The
river laughs; the land has nothing to say.
I
shall remember these deaths with praises and psalms;
I
feel their spirits winding themselves around the roots
of trees. There will be no bountiful
harvests this year.
I
gather the instant replays of stalks and twigs and
empty things.
Rwanda
#8
And
he, who I thought was my neighbor, came with swift
and easy hate in his hands, cleft my
head from my soul, as I
knelt in the dust of our homeland. What
spite the land has
come to that it should so rage against
human nature! Have we
not kicked enough stones together? Why
has love turned the
air to such expense? Where are the
waters of cooling pas-
sions? My bloated self is rooted in
contagion. Ancient angers
spread in small rashes. Nothing can ease
the interminable itch
which attacks the land. Poison seeps from
an open boil. If you
try to lance it, it disappears from one
section of the body and
reappears in another. Posion becomes the
texture of the wind.
I
was once rock, bark, earthen jar and moonlight. Now I am
fresh sun and rotting flesh. These
antique angers which
bleonged to my neighbor and to his father
are mine now by
death and default. Pain is the machete
that bit into my life so
swift and clean it never tasted blood or
stained itself. My
body pours itself into the mouth of the
earth. It feels the thun-
der of hurrying feet wandering into a
foreign darkness. The
wealth of the nation is silent; it offers
no rescue. The pieties of
food and shelter are useless. The sun
has left the land, the
water is fould with intestines. What
strange white peace is it
which approaches on the wind rising as it
must from the sea?
Rwanda
#9
This
salve of youthful blood
Balms the sores of the country.
Still
she does not heal;
The
wound is too great.
The
pulse runs in halting breaths
Too hard to draw.
The
trees weep their leaves;
Water
washes over dry tubers.
The
tender wood is exposed
To
lice and vermin;
Grey
worms exit the body.
The
river gives an embrace
To the floating bodies.
Who
among the dead
Can
bury the dead?
The
land has lost
Its sweet negotiations.
We
turn the earth;
Nothing
is there.
Slowly
the land
Recedes
into water.
There
are no sacred prayers
Found
in its folds
The
sun, the last
Of
our martyrs
Is
dead.
Rwanda
#10
The
cranes have come;
A
steam shovel bites
Into the natural ground.
Old
earth is pushed aside,
It
lies in large mounds
As
if some gigantic ant
Had
burrowed up toward light.
Random
bushes, grass and a single
Stalk
of corn begins to grow here
The
men plant steel rods, girders
Cinder
blocks, then cement floors.
They
are making rooms
In
the spacious air
For new tenants.
The
girders are covered,
Wired
and walled in
With
hammered sound.
Inside
there is a schedule,
Outside a deadline to meet.
The
rain washes the earth
The
silt flows away.
Someone
will make passage here
Take
flights like breaths
Of human motion.
1.
Which of these ten poems speaks to
you the most? Why?
2.
Compare these images to the images
presented to us in the poetry about the Holocaust. How are they similar? How are they different?
�Blood
of Rwanda� (from Stones Unturned: The Soul Poetic) – Freda
Denis-Cooper
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5228070
"Children hand in hand, Hutu and
Tutsi scatter like cockroaches and killed just like that, as if they were.
Separate as if unequal. Separate as if... Black against
black, blood against blood. No help from within, no
help without. U.N. rescue missions abandon millions left to die. Taking whites
only, only leaving behind weapons of mass black destruction. Here are the
weapons of mass destruction. The blood of her people is on our hands. The blood
of Rwanda is yet on our hands."
1.
First
read this poem to yourself quietly. Then, we will listen to the poet read it
aloud. How is it different when
read by two different people? Is it
more powerful when it is read by the author with the inflection it was intended
to have, or do you prefer giving the poem your own voice?
2.
Why
does the poet say �the blood is on our hands?� What does she mean by this?
Next we would
read the short story, �A Poetics for Bullies� by Stanley Elkin. (This short story is attached at the end
of the packet)
1.
Why does the author choose to write this
story from the perspective of the bully?
What effect does this achieve?
Does it make the story more or less relatable to you? Why?
2.
Think
about all your time in school. Have
you ever met anyone like Push?
Maybe you were Push at one
time. Try to imagine why that
person (or you) did the things that they did. Now write a short story describing a
specific situation you remember with that person from their perspective.
3.
After
reading your short story, have you gained any perspective on the motives of
bullies by putting yourself in their shoes?
Using
Maus:
1. The illustrator uses animals to portray
people. What insight does this give
us into their characters?
2. Discuss Art�s portrayal of Vladek. Is his portrayal fair and accurate? Why would he choose to portray him the
way that he does?
3. The Holocaust has been written about
extensively, not only by people with first-hand experience of it, but by people
born many years later from all over the world. Why is the Holocaust, in your opinion,
such an enduring subject? Why do
the events that took place continue to resonate with people so many years
later?
Extending
the Unit:
Markus Zusak, The Book Thief
Zusak
has created a work that deserves the attention of sophisticated teen and adult
readers. Death himself narrates the World War II-era story of Liesel Meminger
from the time she is taken, at age nine, to live in Molching, Germany, with a
foster family in a working-class neighborhood of tough kids, acid-tongued
mothers, and loving fathers who earn their living by the work of their hands.
The child arrives having just stolen her first book—although she has not
yet learned how to read—and her foster father uses it, The
Gravedigger�s Handbook, to lull her to sleep when she�s roused by regular
nightmares about her younger brother�s death. Across the ensuing years of the
late 1930s and into the 1940s, Liesel collects more stolen books as well as a
peculiar set of friends: the boy Rudy, the Jewish refugee Max, the mayor�s
reclusive wife (who has a whole library from which she allows Liesel to steal),
and especially her foster parents. Zusak not only creates a mesmerizing and
original story but also writes with poetic syntax, causing readers to deliberate
over phrases and lines, even as the action impels them forward. Death is not a
sentimental storyteller, but he does attend to an array of satisfying details,
giving Liesel�s story all the nuances of chance, folly, and fulfilled
expectation that it deserves. An extraordinary narrative.
–School Library Journal
Elie Weisel, Night
Night is Elie Wiesel�s masterpiece, a candid,
horrific, and deeply poignant autobiographical account of his survival as a
teenager in the Nazi death camps. This new translation by Marion Wiesel, Elie�s
wife and frequent translator, presents this seminal memoir in the language and
spirit truest to the author�s original intent. And in a substantive new
preface, Elie reflects on the enduring importance of Night and his lifelong, passionate
dedication to ensuring that the world never forgets man�s capacity for
inhumanity to man.
Night offers much more than a litany of the daily terrors, everyday
perversions, and rampant sadism at Auschwitz and Buchenwald; it also eloquently
addresses many of the philosophical as well as personal questions implicit in
any serious consideration of what the Holocaust was, what it meant, and what
its legacy is and will be. [www.barnesandnoble.com]
Art Spiegelman, Maus II
MAUS was the
first half of the tale of survival of the author's parents, charting their
desperate progress from prewar Poland Auschwitz. Here is the continuation, in
which the father survives the camp and is at last reunited with his wife. [www.barnesandnoble.com]
J.P. Stassen, Deogratias, A Tale of Rwanda
The 2000 winner
of the Goscinny Prize for outstanding graphic novel script, this is the
harrowing tale of the Tutsi genocide in Rwanda, as seen through the eyes of a
boy named Deogratias. He is an ordinary teenager, in love with a girl named
B�nigne, but Deogratias is a Hutu and B�nigne is a Tutsi who dies in the
genocide, and Deogratias himself plays a part in her death. As the story
circles around but never depicts the terror and brutality of an entire country
descending into violence, we watch Deogratias in his pursuit of B�nigne, and we
see his grief and descent into madness following her death, as he comes to
believe he is a dog.
Told with great artistry and intelligence, this book offers a window into a
dark chapter of recent human history and exposes the West's role in the
tragedy. Stassen's interweaving of the aftermath of the genocide and the events
leading up to it heightens the impact of the horror, giving powerful expression
to the unspeakable, indescribable experience of ordinary Hutus caught up in the
violence. Difficult, beautiful, honest, and heartbreaking, this is a major work
by a masterful artist. [www.amazon.com]
Anne Frank, Anne Frank: Diary of a young girl
Discovered in the attic in which she spent the last years of
her life, Anne Frank's remarkable diary has since become a world classic -- a
powerful reminder of the horrors of war and an eloquent testament to the human
spirit. In 1942, with Nazis occupying Holland, a thirteen-year-old Jewish girl
and her family fled their home in Amsterdam and went into hiding. For the next
two years, until their whereabouts were betrayed to the Gestapo, they and
another family lived cloistered in the "Secret Annex" of an old
office building. Cut off from the outside world, they faced hunger, boredom,
the constant cruelties of living in confined quarters, and the ever-present
threat of discovery and death. In her diary Anne Frank recorded vivid
impressions of her experiences during this period. By turns thoughtful, moving,
and amusing, her account offers a fascinating commentary on human courage and
frailty and a compelling self-portrait of a sensitive and spirited young woman
whose promise was tragically cut short.
The
journal of a Jewish girl in her early teens describes both the joys and
torments of daily life, as well as typical adolescent thoughts, throughout two
years spent in hiding with her family during the Nazi occupation of Holland. [www.barnesandnoble.com]
A Poetics for Bullies
By Stanley
Elkin
I'm
Push the bully, and what I hate are new kids and sissies, dumb kids and smart,
rich kids, poor kids, kids who wear glasses, talk funny, show off, patrol boys
and wise guys and kids who pass pencils and water the plants — and
cripples, especially cripples. I love nobody loved.
One
time I was pushing this red-haired kid (I'm a pusher, no bitter, no belter; an
aggressor of marginal violence, I hate real force) and his mother
stuck her head out the window and shouted something I've never forgotten.
"Push," she yelled. "You, Push. You pick on
him because you wish you had his red hair" It's true; I did wish
I had his red hair. I wish I were tall, or fat, or thin. I wish I had different
eyes, different hands, a mother in the supermarket. I
wish I were a man, a small boy, a girl in the choir.
I'm a coveter, a Boston Blackie of the heart, casing the world. Endlessly I
covet and case. (Do you know what makes me cry? The
Declaration of Independence. "All men are created equal."
That's beautiful.)
If
you're a bully like me, you use your head. Toughness isn't enough. You beat them up, they report you.
Then where are you? I'm not even particularly strong. (I used to be strong. I
used to do exercise, work out, but strength implicates you, and often isn't an
advantage anyway — read the judo ads. Besides, your big bullies aren't
bullies at all — they're athletes. With them, beating guys up is
a sport.) But what I lose in size and strength I make up in courage. I'm very
brave. That's a lie about bullies being cowards underneath. If you're a coward,
get out of the business.
I'm
best at torment.
A
kid has a toy bow, toy arrows. "Let Push look," I tell him.
He's
suspicious, he knows me. "Go way. Push," he says, this mama-warned
Push doubter.
"Come
on," I say, "come on."
"No,
Push. I can't. My mother said I can't."
I raise my arms, I spread them. I'm
a bird — slow, powerful, easy, free. I move my
head offering profile like something beaked. I'm the Thunderbird. "In the
school where I go I have a teacher who teaches me magic," I say.
"Arnold Salamancy, give Push your arrows. Give him one, he gives back two.
Push is the God of the Neighborhood."
"Go
way. Push," the kid says, uncertain.
"Right,"
Push says, himself again. "Right. I'll disappear. First the fingers."
My fingers ball into fists. "My forearms next." They jackknife into
my upper arms. "The arms." Quick as bird-blink they snap behind my
back, fit between my shoulder blades like a small knapsack. (I am
double-jointed, protean.) "My head," I say.
"No,
Push," the kid says, terrified. I shudder and everything comes back, falls
into place from the stem of self like a shaken puppet.
"The
arrow, the arrow. Two where was one." He hands me
an arrow.
"Trouble,
trouble, double rubble!" I snap it and give back the pieces.
Well,
sure. There is no magic. If there were I would learn it. I would find out the
words, the slow turns and strange passes, drain the bloods and get the herbs,
do the fires like a vestal. I would look for the main chants. Then I'd
change things. Push would!
But
there's only casuistical trick. Sleight-of-mouth, the bully's
poetics.
You
know the formulas:
"Did
you ever see a match burn twice?" you ask. Strike. Extinguish. Jab his
flesh with the hot stub.
"Play
'Gestapo'?
"How
do you play?"
"What's
your name?"
"It's
Morton."
I
slap him. "You're lying."
Adam
and Eve and Pinch Me Hard went down to the lake for a swim. Adam and Eve fell
in. Who was left?"
"Pinch
Me Hard."
I
do.
Physical puns, conundrums. Push the punisher, the
conundrummer.
But
there has to be more than tricks in a bag of tricks. I don't know what it is.
Sometimes I think I'm the only new kid. In a room, the school, the
playground, the neighborhood, I get the feeling I've just moved in, no one
knows me. You know what I like? To stand in crowds. To wait with them at the airport to meet a plane. Someone
asks what time it is. I'm the first to answer. Or at the
ballpark when the vendor comes. He passes the hot dog down the long row.
I want my hands on it, too. On the dollar going up,
the change coming down.
I am ingenious, I am patient.
A
kid is going downtown on the elevated train. He's got his little suit on, his
shoes are shined, be wears a cap. This is a kid going to the travel bureaus,
the foreign tourist offices to get brochures, maps, pictures
of the mountains for a unit at his school — a kid looking for extra
credit. I follow him. He comes out of the Italian Tourist Information Center.
His arms are full. I move from my place at the window. I follow for two blocks
and bump into him as he steps from a curb. It's a collision— The
pamphlets fall from his arms. Pretending confusion, I walk on his paper
Florence. I grind my heel in his Riviera. I climb Vesuvius and sack his Rome and
dance on the Isle of Capri.
The
Industrial Museum is a good place to find children. I cut somebody's five or
six year-old kid brother out of the herd of eleven- and twelve-year-olds he's
come with. "Quick," I say. I pull him along the corridors,
up the stairs, through the halls, down to a mezzanine landing. Breathless, I
pause for a minute. "I've got some gum. Do you want a stick?" He
nods; I stick him. I rush him into an auditorium and abandon him. He'll be lost
for hours.
I
sidle up to a kid at the movies. "You smacked my brother," I tell
him. "After the show I'll be outside.
"I
break up games. I hold the ball above my head. "You want it? Take
it."
I
go into barber shops. There's a kid waiting. "I'm
next," I tell him, "understand?"
One
day Eugene Kraft rang my bell. Eugene is afraid of me, so he helps me. He's
fifteen and there's something wrong with his saliva glands and he drools. His
chin is always chapped. I tell him he has to drink a lot because he loses so
much water.
"Push?
Push," he says. He's wiping his chin with his tissues. "Push, there's
this kid—"
"Better
get a glass of water, Eugene."
"No,
Push, no fooling, there's this new kid — he just moved in. You've got to
see this kid."
"Eugene,
get some water, please. You're drying up. I've never seen you so bad. There are
deserts in you, Eugene."
"All
right. Push, but then you've got to see—"
"Swallow,
Eugene. You better swallow."
He
gulps hard. "Push, this is a kid and a half. Wait, you'll see."
"I'm
very concerned about you, Eugene. You're dying of thirst, Eugene. Come into the
kitchen with me."
I
push him through the door. He's very excited. I've never seen him so excited.
He talks at me over his shoulder, his mouth flooding, his
teeth like the little stone pebbles at the bottom of a fishbowl. "He's got
this sport coat, with a patch over the heart. Like a king.
Push. No kidding."
"Be
careful of the carpet, Eugene."
I
turn on the taps in the sink. I mix in hot water. "Use your tissues,
Eugene. Wipe your chin."
He
wipes himself and puts the Kleenex' in his pocket. All of Eugene's pockets
bulge. He looks, with his bulging pockets, like a clumsy smuggler.
"Wipe,
Eugene. Swallow, you're drowning."
"He's
got this funny accent — you could die." Excited, he tamps at his
mouth like a diner, a tubercular.
"Drink
some water, Eugene."
"No,
Push. I'm not thirsty — really."
"Don't
be foolish, kid. That's because your mouth's so wet. Inside where it counts
you're drying up. It stands to reason. Drink some water."
"He
has this crazy haircut."
"Drink"
I command. I shake him. "Drink!
"Push,
I've got no glass. Give me a glass at least."
"I
can't do that, Eugene. You've got a terrible sickness. How could I let you use
our drinking glasses? Lean under the tap and open your mouth."
He
knows he'll have to do it, that I won't listen to him until he does. He bends
into the sink.
"Push,
it's hot," he complains. The water splashes into his nose, it
gets on his glasses and for a moment his eyes are magnified, enormous. He pulls
away and scrapes his forehead on the faucet.
"Eugene,
you touched it. Watch out, please. You're too close to the tap. Lean your head
deeper into the sink."
"It's
hot, Push."
"Warm
water evaporates better. With your affliction you've got to evaporate fluids
before they get into your glands."
He
feeds again from the tap.
"Do
you think that's enough?" I ask after a while.
"I
do. Push, I really do," he says. He is breathless.
"Eugene,"
I say seriously, "I think you'd better get yourself a canteen."
"A
canteen, Push?"
"That's
right. Then you'll always have water when you need it. Get one of those Boy
Scout models. The two quart kind with a canvas strap."
"But
you hate the Boy Scouts, Push."
"They
make very good canteens, Eugene. And wear it! I never want to see you
without it. Buy it today."
"All
right, Push."
"Promise!"
"All
right, Push."
"Say
it out."
He
made the formal promise that I like to hear.
"Well,
then," I said, "let's go see this new kid of yours."
He
took me to the schoolyard. "Wait," he said, "you'll see."
He skipped ahead.
"Eugene,"
I said, calling him back. "Let's understand something. No matter what this
new kid is like, nothing changes as far as you and I are concerned."
"Aw,
Push," he said.
"Nothing,
Eugene. I mean it. You don't get out from under me."
"Sure,
Push, I know that." There were some kids in the far corner of the yard,
sitting on the ground, leaning up against the wire fence. Bats and gloves and
balls lay scattered around them. (It was where they told dirty jokes. Sometimes
I'd come by during the little kids' recess and tell them all about what their daddies
do to their mommies.)
"There.
See? Do you see him?" Eugene, despite himself, seemed hoarse.
"Be
quiet," I said, checking him, freezing as a hunter might.
I
stared.
He
was a prince, I tell you.
He
was tall, even sitting down. His long legs comfortable in expensive wool, the
trousers of a boy who had been on ships, jets; who owned a horse, perhaps; who
knew Latin — what didn't he know? Somebody made up, like a kid
in a play with a beautiful mother and a handsome father; who took his breakfast
from a sideboard, and picked, even at fourteen and fifteen and sixteen, his
mail from a silver plate. He would have hobbies — stamps, stars, things
lovely dead. He wore a sport coat, brown as wood, thick as heavy bark. The
buttons were leather buds. His shoes seemed carved from horses' saddles,
gunstocks. His clothes had once grown in nature. What it must feel like
inside those clothes, I thought.
I
looked at his face, his clear skin, and guessed at the bones, white as beached
wood. His eyes had skies in than. His yellow hair swirled on his head like a
crayoned sun.
"Look,
look at him," Eugene said. "The sissy. Get him, Push."
He
was talking to them and I moved closer to hear his voice. It was clear,
beautiful, but faintly foreign like herb-seasoned meat.
When
he saw me he paused, smiling. He waved. The others didn't look at me.
"Hello
there," he called. "Come over if you'd like. I've been telling the
boys about tigers."
"Tigers,"
I said.
"Give
him the 'match burn twice,' Push," Eugene whispered.
'Tigers,
is it?" I said. "What do you know about tigers?" My voice was
high.
"The
'match burn twice,' Push."
"Not
so much as a Master Tugjah. I was telling the boys. In
India there are men of high caste — Tugjahs, they're called. I was apprenticed to one once in the
Southern Plains and might perhaps have earned my mastership, but the Red
Chinese attacked the northern frontier and . . . well, let's just say I had to
leave. At any rate, these Tugjahs are as intimate with the tiger as
you are with dogs. I mean they don't keep them as pets. The relationship goes
deeper. Your dog is a service animal, as is your elephant."
"Did
you ever see a match bum twice?" I asked suddenly.
"Why
no, can you do that? Is it a special match you use?"
"No,"
Eugene said, "it's an ordinary match. He used an
ordinary match."
"Can
you do it with one of mine, do you think?"
He
took a matchbook from his pocket and handed it to me. The cover was exactly the
material of his jacket, and in the center was a patch with a coat-of-arms
identical to the one he wore over his heart.
I
held the matchbook for a moment and then gave it back to him. "I don't
feel like it," I said.
"Then
some other time, perhaps," he said.
Eugene
whispered to me. "His accent. Push, his funny accent."
"Some
other time, perhaps," I said. I am a good mimic. I can duplicate a
particular kid's lisp, his stutter, a thickness in his
throat. There were two or three here whom I had brought close to tears by
holding up my mirror to their voices. I can parody their limps, their waddles,
their girlish runs, their clumsy jumps. I can throw as
they throw, catch as they catch. I looked around. "Some other time,
perhaps," I said again. No one would look at me.
"I'm
so sorry," the new one said, "we don't know each other's names. You
are?"
"I'm
so sorry," I said. "You are?"
He
seemed puzzled. Then he looked sad, disappointed. No one said anything.
"It
don't sound the same," Eugene whispered.
It
was true. I sounded nothing like him. I could imitate only defects, only flaws.
A
kid giggled.
"Shh,"
the prince said. He put one finger to his lips.
"Look
at that," Eugene said under his breath. "He's a sissy."
He
had begun to talk to them again. I squatted, a few feet away. I ran gravel
through my loose fists, one bowl in an hourglass feeding another.
He
spoke of jungles, of deserts. He told of ancient trade routes traveled by
strange beasts. He described lost cities and a lake deeper than the deepest
level of the sea. There was a story about a boy who had been captured by
bandits. A woman in the story, it wasn't clear whether she was the boy's
mother, had been tortured. His eyes clouded for a moment when he came to this
part and he had to pause before continuing. Then he told how the boy escaped,
it was cleverly done, and found help, mountain tribesmen riding elephants. The
elephants charged the cave in which the mo — the woman —
was still a prisoner. It might have collapsed and killed her, but one old bull
rushed in and, shielding her with his body, took the weight of the crashing
rocks. Your elephant is a service animal.
I
let a piece of gravel rest on my thumb and flicked it in a high arc above his
head. Some of the others who had seen me stared, but the boy kept on talking.
Gradually I reduced the range, allowing the chunks of gravel to come closer to
his head.
"You
see?" Eugene said quietly. "He's afraid. He pretends not to
notice."
The
arcs continued to diminish. The gravel went faster, straighter. No one was
listening to him now, but he kept talking.
"—of magic," he said, "what occidentals call 'a
witch doctor.'" There are spices that induce these effects. The Bogdovii
was actually able to stimulate the growth of rocks with the powder. The Dutch
traders were ready to go to war for the formula. Well, you can .see what it
could mean for the Low Countries. Without accessible quarries they've never
been able to construct a permanent system of dikes. But with the Bogdovii's
powder" he reached out and casually caught the speeding chip as if it had
been a Ping-Pong ball. "They could turn a grain of sand into a pebble, use
the pebbles to grow stones, the stones to grow rocks. This little piece of
gravel, for example, could be changed into a mountain." He dipped his
thumb into his palm as I had and balanced the gravel on his nail. He flicked
it; it rose from his nail like a missile, and climbed an impossible arc. It
disappeared. "The Bogdovii never revealed how it was done."
I
stood up. Eugene tried to follow me.
"Listen,"
he said, "you'll get him."
"Swallow,"
I told him. "Swallow, you pig!"
*
* *
I
have lived my life in pursuit of the vulnerable: Push the chink seeker, wheeler dealer in the flawed cement of the personality, a
collapse maker. But what isn't vulnerable, who isn't? There is that
which is unspeakable, so I speak it, that which is unthinkable, which I think. Me and the devil, we do God's dirty work, after all.
I
went home after I left him. I turned once at the gate, and the boys were around
him still. The useless Eugene had moved closer. He made room for him
against the fence.
I
ran into Frank the fat boy. He made a move to cross the street, but I had seen
him and he went through a clumsy retractive motion. I could tell he thought I
would get him for that, but I moved by, indifferent to a grossness in which I
had once delighted. As I passed he seemed puzzled, a little hurt, a little
— this was astonishing — guilty. Sure guilty. Why not
guilty? The forgiven tire of their exemption. Nothing could ever be forgiven,
and I forgave nothing. I held them to the mark. Who else cared about the
fatties, about the dummies and slobs and clowns, about the gimps and squares
and oafs and fools, the kids with a mouthful of mush, all those shut-ins of the
mind and heart, all those losers? Frank the fat boy knew, and passed me shyly.
His wide, fat body, stiffened, forced jokeishly martial when he saw me, had
already become flaccid as he moved by, had already made one more forgiven
surrender. Who cared?
The
streets were full of failure. Let them. Let them be. There was a paragon, a
paragon loose. What could he be doing here, why had he come, what did he want?
It was impossible that this hero from India and everywhere had made his home
here; that he lived, as Frank the fat boy did, as Eugene did, as I did, in an
apartment; that he shared our lives.
In
the afternoon I looked for Eugene. He was in the park, in a tree. There was a
book in his lap. He leaned against the thick trunk.
"Eugene,"
I called up to him.
"Push,
they're closed. It's Sunday, Push.
The stores are closed. I looked for the canteen. The stores are closed."
"Where
is he?"
"Who,
Push? What do you want. Push?"
"Him.
Your pal. The prince. Where? Tell me, Eugene, or I'll
shake you out of that tree. I'll burn you down. I swear it. Where is he?"
"No,
Push. I was wrong about that guy. He's nice. He's really nice. Push, he told me
about a doctor who could help me. Leave him alone. Push."
"Where,
Eugene? Where? I count to three."
Eugene
shrugged and came down from the tree.
I
found the name Eugene gave me — funny, foreign — over the bell in
the outer hall. The buzzer sounded and I pushed open the door. I stood inside
and looked up the carpeted stairs, the angled banisters.
"What
is it?" She sounded old, worried.
"The
new kid," I called, "the new kid."
"It's
for you," I heard her say.
"Yes?"
His voice, the one I couldn't mimic. I mounted the first stair. I leaned back
against the wall and looked up through the high, boxy banister poles. It was
like standing inside a pipe organ.
"Yes?"
From
where I stood at the bottom of the stairs I could see only a boot. He was
wearing boots.
"Yes?
What is it, please?"
"You."
I roared. "Glass of fashion, model of form, it's me! It's Push the
bully!"
I
heard his soft, rapid footsteps coming down the stairs — a springy,
spongy urgency. He jingled, the bastard. He had coins — I could see them:
rough, golden, imperfectly round; raised, massively gowned goddesses, their
heads fingered smooth, their arms gone — and keys to strange boxes, thick
doors. I saw his boots. I backed away.
"I
brought you down," I said.
"Be
quiet, please. There's a woman who's ill. A. boy who
must study. There's a man with bad bones. An old man needs sleep."
"He'll
get it," I said.
"We'll
go outside," he said.
"No.
Do you live here? What do you do? Will you be in our school? Were you telling
the truth?"
"Shh.
Please. You're very excited."
'Tell
me your name," I said. It could be my campaign, I thought. His name.
Scratched in new sidewalk, chalked onto walls, written on papers dropped in the
street. To leave it behind like so many clues, to give him a fame, to take it
away, to slash and cross out, to erase and to smear — my kid's witchcraft.
"Tell
me your name."
"It's
John," he said softly.
"What?"
"It's
John."
"John
what? Come on now. I'm Push the bully."
"John
Williams," he said.
"John
Williams? John Williams? Only that? Only John Williams?"
He
smiled.
"Who's
that on the bell? The name on the box?"
"She
needs me," he said.
"Cut
it out."
"I
help her," he said.
"You
stop that."
"There's
a man that's in pain. A woman who's old. A husband that's worried. A wife that despairs."
"You're
the bully," I said. "Your John Williams is a service animal," I
yelled in the hall.
He
turned and began to climb the stairs. His calves bloomed in their leather
sheathing.
"Lover,"
I whispered to him.
He
turned to me at the landing. He shook his head sadly.
"We'll
see," I said.
"We'll
see what we'll see," he said.
That
night I painted his name on the side of the gymnasium in enormous letters. In
the morning it was still there, but it wasn't what I meant. There was nothing
incantatory in the huge letters, no scream, no curse. I had never traveled with
a gang, there had been no togetherness in my tearing, but this thing on the
wall seemed the act of vandals, the low production of ruffians. When you looked
at it you were surprised they had gotten the spelling right.
Astonishingly,
it was allowed to remain. And each day there was something more celebrational
in the giant name, something of increased hospitality, lavish welcome. John
Williams might have been a football hero, or someone back from the kidnapers.
Finally I had to take it off myself.
Something
had changed.
Eugene
was not wearing his canteen. Boys didn't break off their conversations when I
came up to them. One afternoon a girl winked at me. (Push has never picked on
girls. Their submissiveness is part of their nature. They are
ornamental. Don't get me wrong, please. There is a way in which they function
as part of the landscape, like flowers at a funeral. They have a strange
cheerfulness. They are the organizers of pep rallies and dances. They put out
the Year Book. They are born Gray Ladies. I can't bully them.)
John
Williams was in the school, but except for brief glimpses in the hall I never
saw him. Teachers would repeat the things he had said in their other classes.
They read from his papers. In the gym the coach described plays he had made,
set shots he had taken. Everyone talked about him, and girls made a reference
to him a sort of love signal. If it was suggested that he had smiled at one of
them, the girl referred to would blush or, what was worse, look aloofly
mysterious. (Then I could have punished her, then
I could.) Gradually his name began to appear on all their notebooks, in the
margins of their texts. (It annoyed me to remember what I had done on
the wall.) The big canvas books, with their careful, elaborate J's and W's, took on the appearance of ancient, illuminated fables.
It was the unconscious embroidery of love, hope's
bright doodle. Even the administration was aware of him. In Assembly the
principal announced that John Williams had broken all existing records in the
school's charity drives. She had never seen good citizenship like his before,
she said.
It's
one thing to live with a bully, another to live with a hero. Everyone's
hatred I understand, no one's love; everyone's grievance, no one's content.
I
saw Mimmer.
Mimmer
should have graduated years ago. I saw Mimmer the dummy.
"Mimmer,"
I said, "you're in his class."
"He's
very smart."
"Yes,
but is it fair? You work harder. I've seen you study. You spend hours. Nothing
comes. He was born knowing. You could have used just a little of what he's got
so much of. It's not fair."
"He's
very clever. It's wonderful," Mimmer says.
Slud
is crippled. He wears a shoe with a built-up heel to balance himself.
"Ah,
Slud," I say, "I've seen him run."
"He
has beaten the horses in the park. It's very beautiful," Slud says.
"He's
handsome, isn't he, Clob?" Clob looks contagious, radioactive. He has
severe acne. He is ugly under his acne.
"He
gets the girls," Clob says.
He
gets everything, I think. But I'm alone in my envy, awash in my lust.
It's as if I were a prophet to the deaf. Schnooks, schnooks, I want to scream,
dopes and settlers. What good does his smite do you, of what use is his good
heart?
The
other day I did something stupid. I went to the cafeteria and shoved a boy out
of the way and took his place in the line. It was foolish, but their fear is
almost all gone and I felt I had to show the flag. The boy only grinned and let
me pass. Then someone called my name. It was him.
I turned to face him. "Push," he said, "you forgot your
silver." He handed it to a girl in front of him and she gave it to the boy
in front of her and it came to me down the long line.
I plot, I scheme. Snares, I think;
tricks and traps. I remember the old days when there were ways to snap fingers,
crush toes, ways to pull noses, twist heads and punch arms — for the
old-timey Flinch Law I used to impose, the gone bully magic of deceit. But nothing
works against him, I think. How does he know so much? He is bully —
prepared, that one, not to be trusted.
*
* *
It
is worse and worse.
In
the cafeteria he eats with Frank. "You don't want those potatoes," he
tells him. "Not the ice cream, Frank. One sandwich, remember. You lost
three pounds last week." The fat boy smiles his fat love at him. John
Williams puts his arm around him. He seems to squeeze him thin.
He's
helping Mimmer to study. He goes over his lessons and teaches him tricks, short
cuts.
"I
want you up there with me on the Honor Roll, Mimmer."
I
see him with Slud the cripple. They go to the gyro. I watch from the balcony.
"Let's develop those arms, my friend." They work out with weights. Slud's muscles grow, they bloom from his
bones.
I
lean over the rail. I shout down, "He can bend iron bars. Can he pedal a
bike? Can he walk on rough ground? Can he climb up a hill? Can he wait on a
line? Can he dance with a girl? Can he go up a ladder or jump from a chair?"
Beneath
me the rapt Slud sits on a bench and raises a weight. He holds it at arm's
length, level with his chest. He moves it high, higher. It rises above his
shoulders, his throat, his head. He bends back his
neck to see what he's done. If the weight should fall now it would crush his
throat. I stare down into his smile.
I
see Eugene in the halls. I stop him. "Eugene, what's he done for
you?" I ask. He smiles — he never did this — and I see his
mouth's flood. "High tide," I say with satisfaction. Williams has
introduced Clob to a girl. They have double-dated.
*
* *
A
week ago John Williams came to my house to see me! I wouldn't let him in.
"Please
open the door. Push. I'd like to chat with you. Will you open the door? Push? I
think we ought to talk. I think I can help you to be happier."
I
was furious. I didn't know what to say to him. "I don't want to be
happier. Go way." It was what little kids used to say to me.
"Please
let me help you."
"Please
let me," I begin to echo. "Please let me alone."
"We
ought to be friends Push."
"No
deals." I am choking, I am
close to tears. What can I do? What? I want to kill him.
I
double-lock the door and retreat to my room. He is still out there. I have
tried to live my life so that I could keep always the lamb from my door.
He
has gone too far this time; and I think sadly, I will have to fight him, I will have to fight him. Push pushed. I think sadly of
the pain. Push pushed. I will have to fight him. Not to preserve honor but its
opposite. Each time I see him I will have to fight him. And then I think
— of course. And I smile. He has done me a
favor. I know it at once. If he fights me he fails. He fails if he fights me. Push
pushed pushes! It's physics! Natural law! I know he'll beat me, but I
won't prepare, I won't train, I won't use the tricks I know. It's strength
against strength, and my strength is as the strength of ten because my jaw is
glass! He doesn't know everything, not everything he doesn't. And I
think, I could go out now, he's still there, I could hit him in the hall, but I
think. No, I want them to see, I want them to see!
The
next day I am very excited. I look for Williams. He's not in the halls. I miss
him in the cafeteria. Afterward I look for 'him in the schoolyard where I first
saw him. (He has them organized now. He teaches them games of Tibet, games of
Japan; he gets them to play lost sports of the dead.) He does not disappoint
me. He is there in the yard, a circle around him, a
ring of the loyal.
I
join the ring. I shove in between two kids I have known. They try to change
places; they murmur and fret.
Williams
sees me and waves. His smile could grow flowers. "Boys," he says,
"boys, make room for Push. Join hands, boys." They welcome me to the
circle. One takes my hand, then another. I give to each calmly.
I
wait. He doesn't know everything.
"Boys,"
he begins, "today we're going to learn a game that the knights of the
lords and kings of old France used to play in another century. Now you may not
realize it, boys, because today when we think of a knight we think, too, of his
fine charger, but the fact is that a horse was a rare animal — not a
domestic European animal at all, but Asian. In western
Europe, for example, there was no such thing as a workhorse until the eighth
century. Your horse was just too expensive to be put to heavy labor in the
fields. (This explains, incidentally, the prevalence of famine in western Europe, whereas famine is unrecorded in Asia until
the ninth century, when Euro-Asian horse trading was at its height.) It wasn't
only expensive to purchase a horse, it was expensive
to keep one. A cheap fodder wasn't developed in Europe until the tenth century.
Then, of course, when you consider the terrific risks that the warrior horse of
a knight naturally had to run, you begin to appreciate how expensive it would
have been for the lord — unless be was extremely rich — to provide
all his knights with horses. He'd want to make pretty certain that the knights
who got them knew how to handle a horse. (Only your knights
errant — an elite, crack corps — ever had horses. We don't
realize that roost knights were home knights; chevalier
chez they were called.)
"This
game, then, was devised to let the lord, or king, see which of his knights had
the skill and strength in his hands to control a horse. Without moving your
feet, you must try to jerk the one next to you off balance. Each man has two
opponents, so it's very difficult. If a man falls, or if his knee touches the
ground, he's out. The circle is diminished but must close up again immediately.
Now, once for practice only"
"Just
a minute," I interrupt.
"Yes,
Push?"
I
leave the circle and walk forward and hit him as hard as I can in the face.
He
stumbles backward. The boys groan. He recovers. He rubs his jaw and smiles. I
think he is going to let me hit him again. I am prepared for this. He knows
what I'm up to and will use his passivity. Either way I win, but I am
determined he shall hit me. I am ready to kick him, but as my foot comes up he
grabs my ankle and turns it forcefully. I spin in the air. He lets go and I
fall heavily on my back. I am surprised at how easy it was, but am content if
they understand. I get up and am walking away, but there is an arm on my
shoulder. He pulls me around roughly. He hits me.
"Sic
semper tyrannus," he exults.
"Where's
your other cheek?" I ask, falling backward.
"One
cheek for tyrants," he shouts. He pounces on me and raises his fist and I
cringe. His anger is terrific. I do not want to be hit again.
"You
see? You see?" I scream at the kids, but I have lost the train of my
former reasoning. I have in no way beaten him. I can't remember now what I had
intended.
He
lowers his fist and gets off my chest and they cheer. "Hurrah," they
yell. "Hurrah, hurrah." The word seems funny to me.
He
offers his hand when I try to rise. It is so difficult to know what to do. Oh
God, it is so difficult to know which gesture is the right one. I don't even
know this. He knows everything, and I don't even know this. I am a fool on the
ground, one hand behind me pushing up, the other not yet extended but itching
in the palm where the need is. It is better to give than receive, surely. It is
best not to need at all.
Appalled,
guessing what I miss, I rise alone.
"Friends?"
he asks. He offers to shake.
"Take
it. Push." It's Eugene's voice.
"Go
ahead. Push." Slud limps forward.
"Push,
hatred's so ugly," Clob says, his face shining.
"You'll
feel better. Push," Frank, thinner, taller, urges softly.
"Push,
don't be foolish," Mimmer says.
I
shake my head. I may be wrong. I am probably wrong. All I know at last is what
feels good. "Nothing doing," I growl. "No deals." I begin
to talk, to spray my hatred at them. They are not an easy target even now. "Only your knights errant
— your crack corps — have horses. Slud may dance and Clob may kiss,
but they'll never be good at it. Push is no service animal. No. No.
Can you hear that, Williams? There isn't any magic, but your no is still
stronger than your yes, and distrust is where I put my faith." I turn to
the boys. "What have you settled for? Only your knights errant ever have
horses. What have you settled for! Will Mimmer do sums in his head?
How do you like your lousy hunger, thin boy? Slud, you can break me but you
can't catch me. And Clob will never shave without pain, and ugly, let me tell
you, is still in the eye of the beholder!"
John
Williams mourns for me. He grieves his gamy grief. No one has everything
— not even John Williams. He doesn't have me. He'll never have me, I
think. If my life were only to deny him that, it would almost be enough. I
could do his voice now if I wanted. His corruption began when he lost me.
"You," I shout, rubbing it in, "indulger, dispense me
no dispensations. Push the bully hates your heart!"
"Shut
him up, somebody," Eugene cries. His saliva spills from his mouth when he
speaks.
"Swallow!
Pig, swallow!"
He
rushes toward me.
Suddenly
I raise my arms and he stops. I feel a power in me. I am Push, Push the bully,
God of the Neighborhood, its incarnation of envy and jealousy and need. I vie,
strive, emulate, compete, a contender in every event
there is. I didn't make myself. I probably can't save myself, but maybe that's
the only need I don't have! I taste my lack and that's how I win — by
having nothing to lose. It's not good enough! I want and I want and I will die
wanting, but first I will have something. This time I will have something. I
say it aloud. "This time I will have something!" I step toward them.
The power makes me dizzy. It is enormous. They feel it. They back away. They
crouch in the shadow of my outstretched wings. It isn't deceit this time but
the real magic at last, the genuine thing: the cabala of my hate, of my
irreconcilableness.
Logic
is nothing. Desire is stronger.
I
move toward Eugene. "I will have something," I roar.
"Stand
back," he shrieks, "I'll spit in your eye."
"I
will have something. I will have terror. I will have drought. I bring the
dearth. Famine's contagious. Also is thirst. Privation,
privation, bareness, void. I dry up your glands, I poison your
well."
He
is choking, gasping, chewing furiously. He opens his mouth. It is dry. His
throat is parched. There is sand on his tongue.
They
moan. They are terrified, but they move up to see. We are thrown together. Slud, Frank, Clob, Mimmer, the others, John Williams, myself.
I will not be reconciled, or halve my hate. It's what I have, all I
can keep. My bully's sour solace. It's
enough, I'll make do.
I
can't stand them near me. I move against them. I shove them away. I force them
off. I press them, thrust them aside.
I push through.