Karen Hegglund
Comm. 175 Mon. PM
Dr. Wood

As I approach the looming brick red building, I begin my routine. I clear my mind of all my problems and worries and put on a happy face to carry me through the evening. As I pull open the heavy oak door to enter the lobby of my workplace, The Fish Market Restaurant, I leave everything personal outside. I am here in the capacity of a food server, which means I am at the beck and call of my customers for the next five hours. I have come to accept the nature of my job and therefore expect the occasional difficult patron. Normally these people don't bother me - I know interaction with them is unavoidable, so I put on a smile and deal with them, taking solace in the face that they will be gone in an hour. However, there are some individuals who will never be happy, no matter how accommodating I am. And although these people may never express their displeasure in words, their nonverbal behaviors say it all. In this paper, I will describe an interaction with one of these difficult individuals, followed by an analysis of the interaction based on theories of nonverbal communication.

It began as a typical evening. The restaurant was full, and we were currently running an hour-long wait. My station consisted of six tables, three of which were being set up to accommodate a party of twelve people. Large parties are a nightly occurrence at the restaurant, so I didn't think anything was out of the ordinary. As I prepared for the party by cutting bread for the table and placing water glasses at every setting, a cocktail waitress walked into the side-station and asked me if the tables being set up were mine. I confirmed and she then told me that she had served this party some drinks in the bar, and that it was a group of very rowdy men. By her tone, I gathered that her interaction with them had been less than pleasant.

Determined not to let the cocktail waitress' comments sour my attitude, I put on a smile and greeted the group, which had been seated no more than two minutes earlier. "Hi, how are you guys doing tonight?" Before I could get the next words out of my mouth, they began shouting out appetizer orders and holding up empty beer bottles to indicate they needed another round. This impatience is typical of groups who have had to wait an excessive amount of time to be seated, so I informed them that I would get their drinks first, then return to take their full order. This was okay with everyone in the group, with the exception of one gentleman who didn't need a drink, but insisted on ordering his entire meal at that time. The rest of the group was indeed rowdy, however content to let me run the party in my own way.

I returned with their beverages and promptly began to take the rest of their order. By the time I had finished, the impatient gentleman I mentioned earlier held up his bottle indicating he was now ready for another beer. I entered the tables' appetizer order into the computer, then went to get this man his beer. When I set it down in front of him, he did not acknowledge me in any way. I then brought him a salad, along with the rest of the appetizers for the table, again without recognition, then left to input their entrée orders into the computer. When I returned to the table again, this man had finished his salad so I offered to remove the plate from his setting. He had left his fork on the dish, so I indicated to him that he might want to keep it for his dinner. He said, "No, you can just bring me a new one." I suppose this was a reasonable request, but at the time it bothered me because I was very busy and beginning to get fed up with him, getting the feeling he was being intentionally difficult.

My impression was further reinforced when, as I began to bring the entrées to the table, the same man asked for yet another beer. I told him I would be right out with that, yet he continued to raise his bottle each time I returned to the table with an armful of food. I knew he still needed it, but my priority was to deliver the meals while they were still hot. I had every intention of bringing him the beer as soon as all the food was at the table. I began to sense his impatience, so I had my manager, who incidentally is male, deliver the man his beer. To my surprise, he looked my manager in the eye, smiled, and said thank you. Yet when I returned to check on the table, he reverted to the behavior I had seen earlier, which completely lacked eye contact or pleasantries. Although the rest of the table was polite, I was anxious to see them go, all because of this one gentleman who made me feel very inefficient without saying a word. In hindsight, I feel this conflict, which occurred as a result of nonverbal behavior, had two major dimensions: gender and history.

According to the Institute for Teaching and Research on Women, when people are strangers, they expect less competence from women (Van Fossen, 1998). This was definitely the impression that man left me with. From the moment I first approached the table I had the feeling that he expected me to fail - and I single him out only because the rest of the party was talking and laughing with each other, allowing me to do my job, while he seemed to scrutinize every move I made. After watching this man interact with my manager, I was certain that gender was a motivation for his attitude. According to the Nonverbal Dictionary of Gestures, Signs, and Body Language recent studies have found that people "in a group situation are more likely to respond to female leaders with scowls and frowns, while smiling and nodding at male leaders who say the same thing" (Givens, 2000). This was the case with this man, as he smiled and thanked my manger, yet showed none of that respect to me. Burgoon and colleagues state that "gains or losses in apparent affection are more telling that consistent behavior. This probably explains why we feel we have made more strides with a person who initially seems aloof to us and then warms up to us" (Burgoon et al., 1996). I felt that my manager had made great strides with this man, whose behavior was in such direct contrast to the rude behavior I had experienced earlier. The only justification I could find for such a drastic shift was satisfaction. Had this man, even subconsciously, expected failure, then he may have thought I fulfilled his prophecy by having a man in a senior position rescue me.

The role of time and social status further supports the claim that gender was a key factor in this nonverbal misunderstanding. Robert H. Lauer, in his book Temporal Man, states that "women generally have lower status than men." He goes on to discuss the notion that, "the time of the high-status individual is more important than that of the low-status individual" (Lauer, 1981). Inherent in my job title as a food server is a definite denotation of status. I am there to be seen and not heard, and a certain amount of deference is expected. According to Erving Goffman deference is a sort of "ceremonial activity which functions as a symbolic means by which appreciation is regularly conveyed to a recipient" (Rollins, 1985). This deference emphasizes the role of status in this interaction, placing me on the bottom of the power hierarchy. If gender is also indicative of status, then it is no surprise that the gentleman in my large party appeared annoyed when I didn't get the things he asked for at the exact second he requested them. He had no concern for my timing or priorities, as he was there to be accommodated and respected. He definitely conveyed the impression that his time and needs were far more important than anything his lowly female food server could be doing at that time.

Time and status also played an important role in the historical dimension of this interaction. When I came into contact with these men, my only knowledge of them was the warning I had received from the cocktail waitress. I was aware they had waited a very long time to be seated and that they had consumed several beverages in the bar, however a wait is common at the Fish Market, and most people expect it. Most incorporate it into their plan for the evening and take the opportunity to enjoy a pre-dinner drink or peruse the menu. This gentleman rather than making the most of the wait, became increasingly irritated with his circumstances. As previously established, he likely considered himself to be a higher-status individual, and "it is well known that low-status individuals are required to wait for high-status individuals" (Lauer, 1981). According to the Nonverbal Dictionary of Gestures, Signs, and Body Language, "time spent waiting may trigger anger and strain rapport" (Givens, 2000). Therefore, he was probably bothered when he sat down, so having to wait for me to do things in a manner that was most efficient for the group probably added to his discontent, as he clearly viewed his needs as most important.

Another aspect of the historical dimension was this gentleman's lack of knowledge of my food service experience. I have waited tables at the Fish Market for the past four and a half years. In that time, I have become very good at my job, as evidenced by the customer compliments I receive nearly every time I work. I have been told that I am friendly, attentive, efficient, and generally very good at what I do. In all my experience, I have never received any negative feedback. This was the main reason I was able to ignore the cocktail waitress' warning and greet this particular group without preconceived notions. I was confident that although they may be irritable when they were seated, I would get them fed, and they would be much happier. Yet they had no knowledge of my experience. This particular gentleman probably saw me, with my young appearance and blonde hair, and called upon stereotypical images of dumb blondes to assume that I was stupid and incapable of doing a good job. Had he been aware of my past experience, he may have trusted me to do my job in my own way, and enjoyed his dining experience much more.

Because this man dominated my attention, I assumed that when it came time to pay the bill, he would be the one doing so. Convinced this was the case, I was very thankful that the restaurant had a policy of adding a fifteen-percent gratuity to parties of ten or more. I was convinced that, if left up to him, I would receive a tip less than appropriate for services rendered. However, when I approached the table to drop the check, a very polite and unassuming man, much less rowdy than the rest of the group, motioned for me to come to him. To my surprise, this man was handling the bill and instructed me to add a twenty-percent gratuity because he was very pleased with their service. My feelings of inefficiency vanished as I realized that I had been so focused on accommodating this particular individual that I lost focus of how appreciative the rest of the group had been. Looking back, I realize that although people may assume certain qualities based on gender stereotypes or lack of background knowledge, this is beyond my control. Some people are impossible to please; however if I continue to provide exceptional service, I am confident that the majority of my customers will have superior dining experiences.

References

Burgoon, J.K., Buller, D.B., & Woodall, W.G. (1996). Nonverbal Communication. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Givens, D.B. (2000). The Nonverbal Dictionary of Gestures, Signs, and Body Language. Center for Nonverbal Studies. http://members.aol.com/nonverbal2/diction1.htm Retrieved October 26, 2000.

Lauer, R.H. (1981). Temporal Man. Westport, CT: Praeger.

Rollins, J. (1985). "Deference and Maternalism." The Production of Reality, pp. 278-297. Thousand Oaks, CA: Pine Forge Press.

Van Fossen, B. (1998). Gender Differences in Communication. Institute for Teaching and Research on Women. http://www.towson.edu/~vanfoss/wmcomm.htm Retrieved October 26, 2000.

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